I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
