If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
