The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
