Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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