Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
