I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
