I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
