so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
