now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
