OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
