My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
