I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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