There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
