I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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