Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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