I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
