You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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