So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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