I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
