hotel room ftw
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
