I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
