Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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