I hate all girls vehemently.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Someone shattered a urinal.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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