I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
