someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
