How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
