I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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