Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
