1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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