cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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