I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
