O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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