I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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