we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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