I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
