finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Enjoy the penises
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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