I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
