At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize