Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
