I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
