I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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