I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
