I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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