Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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