ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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