She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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