I am spending my child support on dildos
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
