my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
