My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
