Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
