i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We left the knife in your bed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
