When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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