Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
honey bunches of taint.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
