my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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