im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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