just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Randomize
