his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
