we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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