What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
