I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
