I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
