Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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