pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
