It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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